Hello, my name is Tierny Dorsey and I am a victim of domestic violence and more importantly I am a survivor. I'm originally from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and been living here in North Carolina for about 10 years now. This is my first time talking to a group of people about what I have experienced in regards to domestic violence in my personal life. I'm used to talking to people about financial investment, or how to make a scrapbook. So thank you for this opportunity.
OK, so how do you learn something that you don't know? You gain knowledge from others, television, internet, school books, right? What about through social norms? You know, the stereotypical, social behavior that says"come on try it, everybody's doing it" or "if your friends jump off a bridge, will you too?". I admit I have gone along with some things just because the rest of the population does, but I live my life much differently today.
One social norm that I wanted to relate to my past situation is "the mind your own business when its not your own". I'm sure many of you might have heard of it and you still act on this today but at what cost?
My abuse started at a very young age and I never realized it and with all of my successes you probably wouldn't think my experiences were true. I grew up with social norms of me and my younger siblings have witnessed almost every woman in my family abused mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially.
These instances seemed small and distant to us but believe it or not, it was cultivating season and those seeds were planted in our lifestyle at such an early age. When we would witness these abusive occurrences our neighbors wouldn't help, other family members wouldn't help, and after a while the women in our family stopped helping themselves yet each other out of these types of situations.
With all of that being said, it was easy for me to think this type of behavior was part of a normal way of living even when it started to happened to me. It started off with a little push to the ground, and I of course told myself, "Oh, well he had a rough day at work and needed to have a drink after work"... boy who was I kidding. "Hes frustrated and he loves me so I know he didn't meant to take his anger out on me".
That first little push then turned into 3 broken noses, 7 black eyes, fractured bones and strained ligaments over a course of 3 years. Not to mention the many black and blue bruises that would take months to heal. I honestly had an excuse for each battered moment and the excuses didn't end until I ran out of excuses and had to start telling the truth to my closest friends.
Now, I wouldn't want to hear this situation was out of control because I would tell myself it was going to get better. I convinced myself it was a "weather the storm and reap the reward" type of relationship. I thought it was getting better but in all actuality it was getting worse because I started to accept the abuse so much that everyone else did too. My neighbors would come over for cookouts every weekend, would allow for their children to spend the night in my home for sleepovers, plan weekend vacations with me and my family but would never call the police, nor see if I was alive after a ten hour beating.
I finally woke up one day two years ago when my aunt asked me, 'Do you love yourself anymore Tierny?' Coming from a woman who I watched accept abuse all of my life. I immediately take offense. But inside I knew I didn't love myself anymore, I didn't have a life outside of my abusive relationship and all I knew was to lie. I'm a terrible liar and still nobody took a chance to show me how to get out of this relationship. I needed someone to tell me this was not normal. I finally woke up and I was able to free myself from that relationship.
I started by searching online for an anonymous chat room. I got help from an organization called No More who help men and women with domestic and sexual violence. No More has helped me find myself, love myself and learn how to reach out to others in need. More importantly I decided to make a pact to break those undeserved social norms when it came to seeing people that I knew and don't know and might be suffering.
So, I would like to challenge each of you to step out and stop those norms of silence.
If you see someone who might need help in a situation that appears to be "not so healthy", take the time to talk to these people and become a vessel of assistance. Even if its just giving them a phone number to family services. Let those who are living in everyday fear know they have other options. You never know, you could save someones life.
Thank you all and don't forget to check out me and my fiance's website at GatewaytoLivelihood.wix.com and we have a vendor booth set up for you to get more information if you want to step up and step out to help others who seriously need your help.
Thank you again.
